As a church planters wife, there's lots of fun and exciting ways to WAIT! Wait on your husband to get home, wait on your redemption group to show up to start, wait on your children to get to the car, wait to find out if you are approved, wait to see if the support checks are coming in, wait to see if you get to pay ALL your bills this month or just a few, wait to find out if we can meet in that place for our Sunday night gathering...wait...wait...wait.
I'll be the first (in a long line of people who can testify) that no matter which spiritual inventory you give me, you will not find "Waiting" on the list of my spiritual gifts. In fact, it's more of a "Hey, you're really good at....but you should work on patience and trusting God in the interim" situation with me. So I will let you know that waiting on God or Jonathan or a group or a person or my children is nearly physically painful at times.
On top of which, I'm waiting to have my 4th baby right now. Yup. I'm pregnant. My due date is 3 days away and this is the longest I've ever been pregnant. My first was born 4 weeks early and my next 2 were both 1 week early. So going past 39 weeks feels overdue to me. I recognize this as not only silly, but whining. That doesn't seem to change my hormonal reaction to it. Every pressure, every Braxton Hicks, every bump of the baby leaves me hopeful, and the ensuing lack of results leaves me almost despondent. It's a wild roller coaster right now. You can pray for my husband.
But what I realized the other day was that this pregnancy is a beautiful picture of what this church planting process has been like for me: complete lack of control! God is dealing with my heart idol of control on both issues. I can feed myself well, get rest and exercise, pray diligently and mostly...just...wait. The rest is totally and completely up to Jesus and his work. For the church, I pray for my husband, our core, those God is calling, I read my Bible and I repent of my depraved heart and foolish ways, I acknowledge and repent of my heart idols, and I obey what Jesus asks me to do. But I can't actually GROW the church, MAKE people come, PUSH the process faster. It will happen when it happens, how God wants it to happen and in His perfect timing.
This morning during worship we sang "Lead me to the Cross" and God's word to me rang out loud and clear through the chorus. "Rid me of myself...." I've been so wrapped up in my schedule that I want to happen, my methods, my desires, even my discomfort and frustration that I have been all mired down in ME instead of rooted and grounded in Him. And I am not bringing glory to Him through my exasperation with either "birthing" process, the baby or the church. My impatience and petulance does not glorify Him.
So, I threw my hands up and testified that "I belong to You, so lead me, lead me to the Cross." And there it is: the Gospel. That Jesus is enough. Enough for me as I await this baby. Enough for me as I await the launch of Redemption Church. That my impatience and idol of control just reveals the depravity that is my enemy and Jesus' beautiful patience and grace towards me on the cross is enough to cover and redeem even that. "Naught of good that I have done; nothing but the blood of Jesus."
Thank you Lord for being bigger than my pettiness. Greater than my failings. Gracious in my selfishness. Good to me even when I'm throwing a fit. And more glorious than all my worries, wants, whims and wishes! You are Lord! You are faithful! Even in my waiting....
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Balancing Act
I don't really believe in trying to achieve "balance". For one thing I find it an ambiguous term at best, usually used to push increasing your time/money/awareness of something someone else finds vital. As in, "You need to increase your time spent exercising! Learn to balance!" I also find it impossible to attain! So mainly trying to find balance in my life just puts all the weight on "guilty". I end up feeling badly that I spent that hour exercising instead of reading to my kids, or folding clothes instead of reading the Bible, or blogging instead of vacuuming!
However, I have found that in another sense, my entire life is a balancing act. Not putting the same amount of value, priority, time and energy into everything that wants my attention, but the precarious act of walking the thin line directly in front of me. So not a "scale" balance but a "beam" balance.
I tend to be a tad ADD. I have a hard time staying focused on one project, one book, one TV show, one child, one goal at a time. I want to do it all (which is fine) right now (which is impossible). I can't pursue my Master's Degree, home school 2 children, make all my bread from scratch, train to be a midwife, get to know all my neighbors, support my husband in the church plant, host a Redemption group at my house, join a co-op, grow a garden and have an infant all in the same year. I just can't. That's really difficult and painful for me to admit.But there it is. Hi, my name is Jennifer and I am not superwoman.
So I have to focus. I have to pick. I have to put one foot in front of the other and take only the next step. Sometimes that next step is a cartwheel, or the splits or even a leap. But there's only one place to land, one area to come down on, so much room to maneuver. I can make it pretty, graceful and land with a flourish, but I have to stay on a certain track. That grates on me! My personality says I'm really more of a interpretive dancer. But God has said, "No Ma'am!"
So here we are. I'm chomping at the bit to go further and faster with Redemption Church plant. I want to have large BBQs in our neighborhood, have all the neighbors over one-by-one for dinner, find a place to meet on Sunday mornings, learn how to play the guitar (someone has to lead worship...) and do it yesterday! But alas, I'm 3 weeks from my due date with baby #4. I'm picking homeschool curriculum for Baby #1 & #2. I just finished potty training Baby #3 and my house is almost clean. That's pretty much all the room on my plate today. Even if I had my neighbors over, they might feel a bit awkward if my water breaks! If I planned a big Easter Egg hunt, who's going to buy, fill and hide those eggs.
So for now, I trust in God's sovereign timing. He created this baby. He called us to this town. He is pouring out His Spirit, in His timing and His Way. He is whispering to me to "Be still and know that I am God. Those who wait on ME will soar on wings like Eagles. Strength will rise as you wait upon me. Unless I build the house, he who builds it labors in vain. TRUST ME!"
So, next step...
However, I have found that in another sense, my entire life is a balancing act. Not putting the same amount of value, priority, time and energy into everything that wants my attention, but the precarious act of walking the thin line directly in front of me. So not a "scale" balance but a "beam" balance.
I tend to be a tad ADD. I have a hard time staying focused on one project, one book, one TV show, one child, one goal at a time. I want to do it all (which is fine) right now (which is impossible). I can't pursue my Master's Degree, home school 2 children, make all my bread from scratch, train to be a midwife, get to know all my neighbors, support my husband in the church plant, host a Redemption group at my house, join a co-op, grow a garden and have an infant all in the same year. I just can't. That's really difficult and painful for me to admit.But there it is. Hi, my name is Jennifer and I am not superwoman.
So I have to focus. I have to pick. I have to put one foot in front of the other and take only the next step. Sometimes that next step is a cartwheel, or the splits or even a leap. But there's only one place to land, one area to come down on, so much room to maneuver. I can make it pretty, graceful and land with a flourish, but I have to stay on a certain track. That grates on me! My personality says I'm really more of a interpretive dancer. But God has said, "No Ma'am!"
So here we are. I'm chomping at the bit to go further and faster with Redemption Church plant. I want to have large BBQs in our neighborhood, have all the neighbors over one-by-one for dinner, find a place to meet on Sunday mornings, learn how to play the guitar (someone has to lead worship...) and do it yesterday! But alas, I'm 3 weeks from my due date with baby #4. I'm picking homeschool curriculum for Baby #1 & #2. I just finished potty training Baby #3 and my house is almost clean. That's pretty much all the room on my plate today. Even if I had my neighbors over, they might feel a bit awkward if my water breaks! If I planned a big Easter Egg hunt, who's going to buy, fill and hide those eggs.
So for now, I trust in God's sovereign timing. He created this baby. He called us to this town. He is pouring out His Spirit, in His timing and His Way. He is whispering to me to "Be still and know that I am God. Those who wait on ME will soar on wings like Eagles. Strength will rise as you wait upon me. Unless I build the house, he who builds it labors in vain. TRUST ME!"
So, next step...
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Go where I send thee...or stay where I tell you to!
I've been avoiding blogging.
I've also been very busy growing a 4th son, raising the 3 I have, homeschooling a 1st grader, being a wife/daughter/sister/friend, cooking food and even occasionally cleaning my house.
But I have thought about blogging, intended on blogging, written several blog posts in my head, but never actually set down and typed. Mainly because we had good news that needed to be shared in an official order to be appropriate and here was not the place.
So...
We are staying in Temple, Texas to plant a church.
After much prayer, fleece laying out, seeking direction and godly counsel and finally surrender to God's undeniable leading, He has made it very clear: We are to stay put and plant here.
That came as both a relief and a shock to me. We had initially planned on planting in Temple, but were advised to consider Madison based on our personalities (read hippie/natural/crunchy and not-main-stream-political). While I wasn't thrilled at the prospect, I had diligently asked God to give me a heart for Madison, and on that issue He was absolutely faithful. I still pray for Madison and the churches being planted there and men ministering to that great city: that the Gospel will come in power, that there will be repentance and a great out-pouring of His Holy Spirit. We just won't be there to see it in person!
However, God made it abundantly clear that we were called to plant in North Temple and that meant shifting gears. A LOT of gears. We realized that despite packing up most of our belongings for nearly a year, we were staying in this house. While we had been unplugging and pulling up roots, we needed to put them back down again. While we had been visioning, dreaming and praying for Madison, a city we barely knew, we were supposed to be visioning, dreaming and praying for Temple, a city we had stopped engaging. It was wild. It was weird. It was totally God's way of working with us.
But once He made His will clear, He also made the way clear. It has been humbling and honoring to watch Him at work in this calling. When we surrendered to plant in Temple, the vision and dream and prayers began flowing. We had to slow down a bit actually because we almost tripped over ourselves getting excited about blessing and redeeming this city. We began meeting and connecting with people who have a passion and desire that matches our own to bring the Gospel to the unreached people of Temple, to utilize the resources already present, to redeem the very culture growing here for His Glory!
We also of course got the standard church planting questions: Are there not already churches in Temple?
Well, first I would say that is the wrong question. The Right question MIGHT be: Are there Gospel-preaching churches in Temple? Of course! There are churches in Temple, Belton and Killeen that are preaching the Gospel and reaching people for Jesus. We are not reinventing the wheel here. But my question back is: Can one church or even 10 effectively minister to the 60,000+ people within the city limits? Or the 300,000+ of the Bell County area? No! Until everyone is reached with the Gospel, new church plants are not a waste. New church plants for the sake of being "different" is idolatry. But new church plants with the vision and calling of reaching different people groups, cultures and demographics or simply those who have not been engaged by existing churches is Biblical and godly. Viewing another church or a new church plant as "hostile" or "encroaching" is simply not putting the Gospel above our egos. And the results do not lie: the fastest way to spread the Gospel is new churches. New Christians begat New Christians. We are called to "go!".
So, we're staying...
In Temple!
And we're excited. Excited to stay near friends and family. Excited for what God is doing through our friends, our Redemption group, our neighborhood. Excited about where God is calling us, whom He's calling us to and who is being called to us. It's a time of new beginnings, not only for our little one due in 5 weeks, but for a church that God is raising up that we have the honor of being a part of.
I've also been very busy growing a 4th son, raising the 3 I have, homeschooling a 1st grader, being a wife/daughter/sister/friend, cooking food and even occasionally cleaning my house.
But I have thought about blogging, intended on blogging, written several blog posts in my head, but never actually set down and typed. Mainly because we had good news that needed to be shared in an official order to be appropriate and here was not the place.
So...
We are staying in Temple, Texas to plant a church.
After much prayer, fleece laying out, seeking direction and godly counsel and finally surrender to God's undeniable leading, He has made it very clear: We are to stay put and plant here.
That came as both a relief and a shock to me. We had initially planned on planting in Temple, but were advised to consider Madison based on our personalities (read hippie/natural/crunchy and not-main-stream-political). While I wasn't thrilled at the prospect, I had diligently asked God to give me a heart for Madison, and on that issue He was absolutely faithful. I still pray for Madison and the churches being planted there and men ministering to that great city: that the Gospel will come in power, that there will be repentance and a great out-pouring of His Holy Spirit. We just won't be there to see it in person!
However, God made it abundantly clear that we were called to plant in North Temple and that meant shifting gears. A LOT of gears. We realized that despite packing up most of our belongings for nearly a year, we were staying in this house. While we had been unplugging and pulling up roots, we needed to put them back down again. While we had been visioning, dreaming and praying for Madison, a city we barely knew, we were supposed to be visioning, dreaming and praying for Temple, a city we had stopped engaging. It was wild. It was weird. It was totally God's way of working with us.
But once He made His will clear, He also made the way clear. It has been humbling and honoring to watch Him at work in this calling. When we surrendered to plant in Temple, the vision and dream and prayers began flowing. We had to slow down a bit actually because we almost tripped over ourselves getting excited about blessing and redeeming this city. We began meeting and connecting with people who have a passion and desire that matches our own to bring the Gospel to the unreached people of Temple, to utilize the resources already present, to redeem the very culture growing here for His Glory!
We also of course got the standard church planting questions: Are there not already churches in Temple?
Well, first I would say that is the wrong question. The Right question MIGHT be: Are there Gospel-preaching churches in Temple? Of course! There are churches in Temple, Belton and Killeen that are preaching the Gospel and reaching people for Jesus. We are not reinventing the wheel here. But my question back is: Can one church or even 10 effectively minister to the 60,000+ people within the city limits? Or the 300,000+ of the Bell County area? No! Until everyone is reached with the Gospel, new church plants are not a waste. New church plants for the sake of being "different" is idolatry. But new church plants with the vision and calling of reaching different people groups, cultures and demographics or simply those who have not been engaged by existing churches is Biblical and godly. Viewing another church or a new church plant as "hostile" or "encroaching" is simply not putting the Gospel above our egos. And the results do not lie: the fastest way to spread the Gospel is new churches. New Christians begat New Christians. We are called to "go!".
So, we're staying...
In Temple!
And we're excited. Excited to stay near friends and family. Excited for what God is doing through our friends, our Redemption group, our neighborhood. Excited about where God is calling us, whom He's calling us to and who is being called to us. It's a time of new beginnings, not only for our little one due in 5 weeks, but for a church that God is raising up that we have the honor of being a part of.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Tis the Season
And the time is upon us. I have to say that despite the hectic schedule, the money going out to buy presents, the INSANE traffic and planning for nearly everyone we're related to be in our house for Christmas I'm having a blast!! I love Christmas.
But it wasn't always that way. Growing up Christmas was not always the "season to be jolly" at my house. For one thing, it seemed that the pressure of having the "perfect Christmas" drove my mother to distraction and her edginess put my Dad in a dither. And then, when I was 15, my mother left at Christmas, marring the potential joy of the season for many years. Charlie Brown had nothing on the pathetic Christmases that ensued for a few years. We even went tree-less for awhile, not being able to muster the gumption to dig the fake, dilapadated tree out of the storage shed.
However, as the years passed, I slowly grew a fondness for cold weather and the general busyness of the holidays, was well as a sense of relief and rest that followed the flurry and headache of finals at college. There was nothing like making that drive home from Abilene on a chilly afternoon, knowing I had finished another semester and would get nearly 4 weeks with my family and high school friends. I learned to enjoy New Year's Eve and began listening to winter music, if not Christmas music: Baby It's Cold Outside, Winter Wonderland, What are You Doing New Year's.
Then I met Jonathan one summer while interning in Colorado. We immediately fell in like and began dating and had the most fun fall semester. The church I had worked at in Colorado had a winter camp between Christmas and New Years, so to see Jonathan and see my youth group kids, I bought a ticket and flew up to see him. That first dating Christmas, and being in Colorado for the holidays was magic. It was truly a white Christmas, and Jonathan bought me gifts and we were googly-eyed at each other. All of a sudden Christmas began to look more and more enjoyable.
Every year after that it got better. The next Christmas he proposed and we spent the winter camp enjoying planning a spring wedding. Our first married Christmas I was actually in Colorado on Christmas morning and got to wake up to a White Christmas and the joy of his HUGE family and all their chaos. Four of his five siblings were there and his 4 nieces and nephews made a raucous that rivaled an Avalanche game. It was pure bliss for me.That was the year I fell back in like with Christmas. I realized that Christmas is wonderful when you are in love, but it's magical when there are kids.
From the first Christmas we had Judah, everything changed. I wanted to make memories. I wanted to take pictures. I wanted to decorate! It was so much fun. And it just gets better with every kid we add. We have never been rich. Christmas has never been a blow out event. We stay reasonable, make a lot of gifts by hand, and don't allow the "I want I want" attitude. We don't do Santa Claus, but we try to protect the truth from our friends who do. We focus on family and time together more than any particular tradition. But watching my children grow into an understanding of the Greatest Gift we get, Christ in us, the hope of Glory has been the biggest blessing.
I love Christmas. My husband taught me to like Christmas again. My children taught me to enjoy Christmas again. Jesus taught me to love Him again at Christmas as I come to understand the Gospel through the story of His birth.
But it wasn't always that way. Growing up Christmas was not always the "season to be jolly" at my house. For one thing, it seemed that the pressure of having the "perfect Christmas" drove my mother to distraction and her edginess put my Dad in a dither. And then, when I was 15, my mother left at Christmas, marring the potential joy of the season for many years. Charlie Brown had nothing on the pathetic Christmases that ensued for a few years. We even went tree-less for awhile, not being able to muster the gumption to dig the fake, dilapadated tree out of the storage shed.
However, as the years passed, I slowly grew a fondness for cold weather and the general busyness of the holidays, was well as a sense of relief and rest that followed the flurry and headache of finals at college. There was nothing like making that drive home from Abilene on a chilly afternoon, knowing I had finished another semester and would get nearly 4 weeks with my family and high school friends. I learned to enjoy New Year's Eve and began listening to winter music, if not Christmas music: Baby It's Cold Outside, Winter Wonderland, What are You Doing New Year's.
Then I met Jonathan one summer while interning in Colorado. We immediately fell in like and began dating and had the most fun fall semester. The church I had worked at in Colorado had a winter camp between Christmas and New Years, so to see Jonathan and see my youth group kids, I bought a ticket and flew up to see him. That first dating Christmas, and being in Colorado for the holidays was magic. It was truly a white Christmas, and Jonathan bought me gifts and we were googly-eyed at each other. All of a sudden Christmas began to look more and more enjoyable.
Every year after that it got better. The next Christmas he proposed and we spent the winter camp enjoying planning a spring wedding. Our first married Christmas I was actually in Colorado on Christmas morning and got to wake up to a White Christmas and the joy of his HUGE family and all their chaos. Four of his five siblings were there and his 4 nieces and nephews made a raucous that rivaled an Avalanche game. It was pure bliss for me.That was the year I fell back in like with Christmas. I realized that Christmas is wonderful when you are in love, but it's magical when there are kids.
From the first Christmas we had Judah, everything changed. I wanted to make memories. I wanted to take pictures. I wanted to decorate! It was so much fun. And it just gets better with every kid we add. We have never been rich. Christmas has never been a blow out event. We stay reasonable, make a lot of gifts by hand, and don't allow the "I want I want" attitude. We don't do Santa Claus, but we try to protect the truth from our friends who do. We focus on family and time together more than any particular tradition. But watching my children grow into an understanding of the Greatest Gift we get, Christ in us, the hope of Glory has been the biggest blessing.
I love Christmas. My husband taught me to like Christmas again. My children taught me to enjoy Christmas again. Jesus taught me to love Him again at Christmas as I come to understand the Gospel through the story of His birth.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Can't we all just get along?
Growing up, I was one of those girls that had a hard time making friends with other girls. I would have a few close pals, but the majority of females were a clique I could not break into. I always seemed a step behind the fashion, out of touch with modern hairstyles, and of course there was my bad habit of always having my nose in a book. That never goes over well with social circles. High school was better, but I dreaded college. I went to a private Christian school with single gender dorms and a curfew. Yes, the dark ages. I shuddered at the idea of getting locked up every night in a building with 600 other girls doing their nails, putting on facial masks and flipping through Cosmo.
Turned out college wasn't the slow torture chamber I had imagined, and I ended up making some life-long friends there. I found that I wasn't the only woman who doesn't get an adrenaline rush from shopping, getting a manicure or perusing the latest Bride magazine (the most popular magazine on campus of course "Ring by spring or your money back"). I also managed to get a little style, figure out how to fix my hair and learn an appreciation for female companionship. My circle was still small, and I had more guy friends than gal pals, but my closest friends, the ones who knew my heart and loved me anyway, were women.
When I got married, I was sure that the circle that always seemed to close me out from the thriving mass of women-friends would magically open, I would be warmly accepted and we would drink hot tea and chat in the afternoons together. That was not reality. I realized with marriage, making friends became exponentially harder. Now I had to find a woman that I liked, we had a few things in common and could talk. Then we had to test and see if my husband liked her husband, and that's always tricky because most men can fake it for one dinner or game of bowling, but do they really enjoy each others company. Then the final straw was whether I liked her husband and she liked mine. Only when all 4 had connections that worked did the friendship have a chance of truly blossoming. Sigh...this was a long process.
Then came children. The golden key to the inner sanctum of women friends. Finally, I had found what would bond all of us in mutual respect and love, or at least survival: babies. However, this also proved unreliable at best and at times flat out untrue. And here is what I really want to discuss. Why can't mother's get along? Ultimately I think the answer lies in pride. Let me back up and explain: mothering is not one long stream of continuous process that you put your raft in and float, as I had imagined, where you might bump into others with rafts and chat as you attempted to remain upright and safe. Oh no! Mothering is a series of yes or no questions and each answer puts you into a steadily diminishing circle or an ever widening circle. Our choices that we make as mothers determine who we can be friends with because whatever choice we make must be the right and the only right one. Otherwise we would not have made that choice! Right? Wrong. I think this attitude ends up shooting us in the foot and leaving us lonely and distraught.
I think I have a particular empathy for this situation because my choices have ended up being a mixed bag that has left me out of most circles. If I had chosen to go completely with one set or another, I would know who my assigned group of friends are. However, I chose to passionately and thoroughly research each and every choice that came my way, reading articles, books, blogs and quizzing my mom friends for their experiences. This led me to make multiple different choices. Everyone of them was right. Right for ME! That's the conclusion of all my research, all my effort, all my thought and prayer. There is no one right answer for everyone, every family, every mother. There's only what works for YOU, YOUR family, YOUR baby. Our pride tells us that what we chose is right for everyone, but that's false.
I chose to have my babies at home with a midwife. Not because I'm a huge rebel or have anything political to prove (those tendencies came after--when I got so much grief) but because I am TERRIFIED of anasthesia and hospitals and I'm really healthy with no complications. I can only relax at home. But I would never think that was for everyone. I know LOTS of moms who would be out of their minds with worry at home and never be able to relax, or who really need that epidural to cope with labor, or want experts 2 feet away if something goes wrong with baby. Or even more, have complications and MUST be at a hospital. They should go to the hospital. No judgment. Just love.
But that doesn't mean I fit in with the crunchy moms either. I don't co-sleep (my husband nearly suffocated my first son by rolling over on him--plus I find it very stifling to our love life to have a baby in bed!). I don't practice Attachment Parenting. I don't do extended nursing or EC potting training. And I did Babywise! Big NO-NO with crunch moms!
Yes, I chose to Babywise my baby. Not because I think that's the only way to do it, but because it kept me sane and my baby fed. Before a mom put Babywise in my hand, some loving old ladies had told me that babies eat every 4 hours. Judah was starving! Babywise told me to feed my baby every 2.5-3.5 hours and to measure that by his hunger. It taught me to trust my instincts about what was really going on with my baby and not to assume it was hunger. It might be a wet diaper or being really tired. I learned to read my children; and they learned to sleep! But I know lots of parents who are the opposite. Babywise made them feel forced to hyper-schedule and distance themselves from their child. Or they are very pasionate about on-demand feeding. So, don't Babywise! I'm okay with that. I don't have to wake up every 3 hours for two years, so it doesn't bother me what you do!
And the list goes on...
I think it's perfectly acceptable to make choices based on parenting style and children's needs, and still respect each others choices. What I don't understand is the militant attitudes. I'm not campaigning to get you on my side. I don't need you to be a Cry-it-out mom like me to have a play-date with you or invite you to my book club. But can I not be an attachment parent and you not call CPS on me? I just find a lot of moms feel isolated, lonely and desperate, but they can't find a friend because they do things a bit differently. Or maybe a lot differently. Are their kids healthy? Are they loved? Are they developing, showing empathy, hitting their marks (or close)? Then let it go! Maybe your ways wouldn't have worked at all for that mom. You can still be friends! You can still learn from each other.
Let's give peas a chance!
Turned out college wasn't the slow torture chamber I had imagined, and I ended up making some life-long friends there. I found that I wasn't the only woman who doesn't get an adrenaline rush from shopping, getting a manicure or perusing the latest Bride magazine (the most popular magazine on campus of course "Ring by spring or your money back"). I also managed to get a little style, figure out how to fix my hair and learn an appreciation for female companionship. My circle was still small, and I had more guy friends than gal pals, but my closest friends, the ones who knew my heart and loved me anyway, were women.
When I got married, I was sure that the circle that always seemed to close me out from the thriving mass of women-friends would magically open, I would be warmly accepted and we would drink hot tea and chat in the afternoons together. That was not reality. I realized with marriage, making friends became exponentially harder. Now I had to find a woman that I liked, we had a few things in common and could talk. Then we had to test and see if my husband liked her husband, and that's always tricky because most men can fake it for one dinner or game of bowling, but do they really enjoy each others company. Then the final straw was whether I liked her husband and she liked mine. Only when all 4 had connections that worked did the friendship have a chance of truly blossoming. Sigh...this was a long process.
Then came children. The golden key to the inner sanctum of women friends. Finally, I had found what would bond all of us in mutual respect and love, or at least survival: babies. However, this also proved unreliable at best and at times flat out untrue. And here is what I really want to discuss. Why can't mother's get along? Ultimately I think the answer lies in pride. Let me back up and explain: mothering is not one long stream of continuous process that you put your raft in and float, as I had imagined, where you might bump into others with rafts and chat as you attempted to remain upright and safe. Oh no! Mothering is a series of yes or no questions and each answer puts you into a steadily diminishing circle or an ever widening circle. Our choices that we make as mothers determine who we can be friends with because whatever choice we make must be the right and the only right one. Otherwise we would not have made that choice! Right? Wrong. I think this attitude ends up shooting us in the foot and leaving us lonely and distraught.
I think I have a particular empathy for this situation because my choices have ended up being a mixed bag that has left me out of most circles. If I had chosen to go completely with one set or another, I would know who my assigned group of friends are. However, I chose to passionately and thoroughly research each and every choice that came my way, reading articles, books, blogs and quizzing my mom friends for their experiences. This led me to make multiple different choices. Everyone of them was right. Right for ME! That's the conclusion of all my research, all my effort, all my thought and prayer. There is no one right answer for everyone, every family, every mother. There's only what works for YOU, YOUR family, YOUR baby. Our pride tells us that what we chose is right for everyone, but that's false.
I chose to have my babies at home with a midwife. Not because I'm a huge rebel or have anything political to prove (those tendencies came after--when I got so much grief) but because I am TERRIFIED of anasthesia and hospitals and I'm really healthy with no complications. I can only relax at home. But I would never think that was for everyone. I know LOTS of moms who would be out of their minds with worry at home and never be able to relax, or who really need that epidural to cope with labor, or want experts 2 feet away if something goes wrong with baby. Or even more, have complications and MUST be at a hospital. They should go to the hospital. No judgment. Just love.
But that doesn't mean I fit in with the crunchy moms either. I don't co-sleep (my husband nearly suffocated my first son by rolling over on him--plus I find it very stifling to our love life to have a baby in bed!). I don't practice Attachment Parenting. I don't do extended nursing or EC potting training. And I did Babywise! Big NO-NO with crunch moms!
Yes, I chose to Babywise my baby. Not because I think that's the only way to do it, but because it kept me sane and my baby fed. Before a mom put Babywise in my hand, some loving old ladies had told me that babies eat every 4 hours. Judah was starving! Babywise told me to feed my baby every 2.5-3.5 hours and to measure that by his hunger. It taught me to trust my instincts about what was really going on with my baby and not to assume it was hunger. It might be a wet diaper or being really tired. I learned to read my children; and they learned to sleep! But I know lots of parents who are the opposite. Babywise made them feel forced to hyper-schedule and distance themselves from their child. Or they are very pasionate about on-demand feeding. So, don't Babywise! I'm okay with that. I don't have to wake up every 3 hours for two years, so it doesn't bother me what you do!
And the list goes on...
I think it's perfectly acceptable to make choices based on parenting style and children's needs, and still respect each others choices. What I don't understand is the militant attitudes. I'm not campaigning to get you on my side. I don't need you to be a Cry-it-out mom like me to have a play-date with you or invite you to my book club. But can I not be an attachment parent and you not call CPS on me? I just find a lot of moms feel isolated, lonely and desperate, but they can't find a friend because they do things a bit differently. Or maybe a lot differently. Are their kids healthy? Are they loved? Are they developing, showing empathy, hitting their marks (or close)? Then let it go! Maybe your ways wouldn't have worked at all for that mom. You can still be friends! You can still learn from each other.
Let's give peas a chance!
Friday, September 2, 2011
Creative Outlet
I think part of being a stay-at-home-homeschooling-mom/planter's-wife means that you have a lot of creativity that longs to come out in new and unusual ways. I end up doing massive projects for homeschooling with the kids, most of which do not turn out exactly how I envisioned but we enjoy the journey. I also read and research a lot of DIY stuff and am now making my own bread, pizza crust, power muffins and such. I used to have a sewing machine and made my own hooter hider (or udder cover if you'd rather). I have patterns and material packed up in boxes and crates awaiting a new sewing machine, hopefully with a serger as well!!! But that's a long time off. So I've been contenting myself with my hot-glue gun. Lately my passion has been book wreaths. I made one out of old hymnals for my dear friend Joanne who's family moved to Nacogdoches for a ministry position. But that just whetted my appetite. Today, I made one for my sis-in-law who is a AP English teacher in Midland. I used Margaret Atwood and Shakespeare books and this was what I created:
A book is the only place in which you can examine a fragile thought without breaking it, or explore an explosive idea without fear it will go off in your face. It is one of the few havens remaining where a man's mind can get both provocation and privacy. ~Edward P. Morgan
I LOVE how it turned out. I think next I'm making myself one
Next stop: Etsy! But how would I ever ship these?!?
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Handful...of blessings
And yes I do. In fact I could use a third hand most of the time, especially crossing the street or parking lot. But we figure it out. Usually, I hold Elijah's hand, he hold's Gideon's, Gideon holds Judahs and we quack as we walk since we look like a line of little ducks.
They can be pills too. They fight over who gets to be which superhero and who has which power. Sometimes feelings get hurt when Judah makes an air castle and Gideon doesn't have a flying buffalo to get up to it. One time, Gideon punched Judah in the face for arguign about Captain America's benefits and flaws. So I had to literally carry out the Gospel on him, and take away his privledge of using his hand for an hour:
(I'll post later about the many uses of duct tape in discipline ;))
However, mostly, they are just precious. THey run up out of nowhere to hug me tight and say, "I love you, Momma!" They fill up my water bottle for me when it's low. They say, "Yes, ma'am" when I ask them to do something (most of the time). They play with each other so sweetly, even if it's rough and tumble. They love their brothers. They love their parents. They love Jesus.
So when someome says to me, "Whoa! You've got your hands full!" I say, "Absolutely! Full of Blessings!"
Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward.
Psalm 127:3
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