Mother's Day has such a mixed message for me. My mother left when I was 16. Actually left on my birthday to go off and find her true happiness (which, by the way, wasn't us). I hated Mother's Day for years. Then I got pregnant. I wasn't even thinking of Mother's Day; my baby wasn't due until June 27th, but my MIL sent me a Mother's Day card, and all of a sudden it struck me that I was becoming what I didn't know how to be.
Looking back that's laughable. Whether your mom was wonderful, terrible or not even there, you have no idea how to be a mom! It doesn't come with instruction booklets or a return policy or a website of FAQ's. There's books, sure. Too many actually. I have a sweet friend that would get an A+ on mothering research if we were handing those out, but still felt inadequate to care for her baby.
I hated Mother's Day from the time my mother left until I became a mother. I thought Mother's Day was about honoring moms, and it definitely is. But now, with my sweet first born turning 6 soon, and 2 more blessings as well, Mother's day has taken on a different meaning to me, or at very least a dual meaning.
I feel honored as a mom, but I also feel honored to BE a mom. I have become more aware than ever of the high calling of motherhood, the depth of dependancy on Jesus it requires and the level of submission it demands. I am in awe of the scope of the task that is placed before me, not for now, or for 18 years a pop, but for eternity. Every moment of every day for the rest of my life, I will be their mom! I will be guiding them, training them, teaching them and most importantly Gospeling them. I know it will look different as they age, but I will always be their mom. The weight of that floors me sometimes. These little men are my calling, my highest calling, and my very great responsibility. They are not my possessions, my keepsakes, my trophies. They are on loan to me, stewarded out to me, to point them back to their Daddy, their BIG DADDY, and be molded and formed in His image. I am not worthy of this!
I often get overwhelmed and bogged down in the mundane tasks of motherhood: make your bed, brush your teeth, do your homework, eat your food, ALL your food, not too much TV, play fair, go to sleep. And that can whittle your life down to where it's ALL The mothering I do if I don't watch myself. But mothering is so much bigger. I am literally molding their hearts, training their minds, setting their footsteps.
I find myself constantly in prayer, asking God to make me worthy of Him, of His calling on my life to be a mother. I ask Him to parent through me. To move me out of His way, and love my boys in the perfect way that I cannot. I realize that they make me more vulnerable to hurts and fear than anything else ever can. They could wrench my heart in ways not even my husband has the power to do. To scratch them is to cut me; to bruise their hearts is to pulverize mine. There is so much out there to injure them and so much at stake for them. I have been brought to my knees, interceding for them that they follow Christ, that His plans for their future are to prosper them and not to harm them to give them hope. I am beginning to understand that I can truly have, "no greater joy than to hear of my children walking in the truth."
That is my prayer this Mother's Day, that my boys may know and be known fully in Jesus. That I may live a life worthy of the calling of the Gospel in their lives. That I may daily, hourly, repent of where I am falling short and surrender to Him loving them through me. And that I may ever be blessed to be called, "Momma".