I love beautiful fall days! There's something magical about crisp air and needing to wear a jacket! I wish we had more than 3 days of fall in Texas, but that is something I look forward to in Wisconsin: Autumn!
I'm also scared of moving to Wisconsin. There's something painful and frightening about change. No, it's not the house I'm leaving or the routine, or the familiarity of knowing when story time at the library is, when the mall playground will be calm or the best way to avoid Christmas rush traffic (which is to NEVER drive on 31st Street between Thanksgiving and New Years). All of those are parts of my fear for certain. I had dreams for this house, and I still can see what it could be. I have never been a routine person, but having 3 kids has forced a routine and now it's comfortable. And I love knowing when to go where.
But I think those things are all just representatives of a deeper fear: letting go of a dream. This place, my hometown, represented something to me. I desperately fought coming back here. I didn't want to end up in my hometown with a feeling of not being able to make it out in the "real world". It felt like failure to come back here. But God has been so faithful here. He has opened up doors to a new identity away from my high school self. I have become a woman here instead of a little girl; a wife instead of a girlfriend; a mother instead of a daughter; and a friend instead of a pal. It has been a nourishing and nurturing time for me. Not always pleasant but I had such an amazing support group to go through the tough times with.
Now I'm stepping into the unknown. We're about to embark for parts unknown and people unknown. When I came home, I had a built in support system, a built in group of friends. My best friend since 5th grade, and my best friend since 9th grade both live here. I never wonder who to call when we're going out on Thursday afternoon to the park or who to call when we're going out on Saturday night. A girl's night out is a text message away; a date night babysitter is around the corner.
The "me" I am here will not exist in Madison. I will be a different me. I will have different friends, different patterns, different schedules. We'll be in a different house and even different plants will grow in our front yard (as opposed to no plants right now cause I haven't gotten around to landscaping).
On beautiful fall days, after lunch with a good friend and knowing half the customers at Chick-fil-A on a first name basis, I'm struck by how much will change next May. Am I excited? Yes. Is it worth it? Absolutely! But am I scared? Surely.