So, this is another aspect of a church planter's wife: never seeing my husband! To support our church planting habit, my husband has to work another job. He works 72 on and 72 off. On his 72 on, he's completely off the grid. I can text him and he occasionally receives them, but the signal is so bad he can rarely text back. He doesn't receive emails or phone calls at all. That's bad enough. But then, when he is home, he is preparing to plant a church. He is either doing home repairs to get our house sell-able, looking for jobs in Madison, reading church planter prep material, or communicating with his mentors/supporters/trainers. I feel like I never see him.
Usually, I handle it well, but this last 4 rotations (2 home, 2 away) have been really rough on us. My son broke his nose 2 weeks ago, and I had to handle it all on my own, which I'm totally up to. But I felt like collapsing when Jonathan got home and handing it all over to him and taking a break. But that wasn't really an option: he had work to do. Then this time home, I just missed him. I just wanted to cuddle with him, play with the kids together, talk. But he had so much work to do, that was also not an option. I realize that lots of moms do this ALL THE TIME. Either as single moms or military wives or railroad wives or doctors wives. There's plenty of careers out there perfectly happy to take husbands away from their families for days or weeks or years at a time. What I don't want is to wallow in self-pity. What I do want is coping techniques. The last thing I want to be is another check-mark for my husband, or worse, a burden.
As I was praying about it I realized a lot of it is my idolizing my husband. Not thinking he's perfect but making a heart idol out of him. I expect him to meet my needs. All of them. I want him to provide, to protect, to console, to guide, to give companionship, to give rest, to uplift, to Gospel me. I believe that God is teaching me to look to Him for those things and take the burden off of Jonathan to be my all in all. I'm not silly or stupid. I've known in my head that God is those things for a long time. But I think I forget sometimes. Jonathan has been my best friend for so long, I have forgotten what it means.
This is my depressed entry. I'm struggling.